


What is Love if not Absolution for the Damned

by Alecellent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Character Anaylsis, Im not sure thats what it is specifically, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Meteorstuck, Sadstuck, but Bro canonically filmed Dave and made him part of his puppet porn/snuff site
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25346452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alecellent/pseuds/Alecellent
Summary: You think, in your clearest moments, that maybe you’re trying to prove yourself to Bro.Well fuck him for dying, fuck him for hurting you, and fuck him for daring to let you miss him anyways.You wish you didn’t miss him anyways.---Coming to terms with abuse is harder than it sounded on paper. Frankly, if he weren't stuck on a meteor in the middle of nowhere, Dave might have just called it quits.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider
Comments: 9
Kudos: 30





	1. Dave ===> Don’t avoid your friends

It’s 3:03 AM in Middle of Nowhere, Space when you find yourself creeping through the meteor to grab some more off brand Doritos and water. Not that you need to creep; sure, the alchemeter might be in the middle of the main room, but the meteor’s big as shit- at 3:03 AM, it’s statistically unlikely that anyone’s out to see you here gliding around in your god-jamas, dropping sick beats behind you like a bullshit ninja.

Bullshit ninja. Hell yeah, you like that. Bullshitting left and right, throwing irony like a dope ass smoke bomb, leave a sequined “sorry for your loss” card where you stood, and decidedly _not_ jumping when anyone on this dumb meteor moves too fast.

Can’t jump if you’re avoiding them.

Okay, that’s not really fair. To say you’re avoiding them is to say that crows _aren’t_ feathery little douchebags with a vendetta and five kinds of rabies- that is to say, decidedly untrue. You aren’t avoiding everyone on this meteor, you’re just purposely annoying them so that they’ll leave you alone, so really, they’re avoiding you. 

You make fun of Karkat’s romcoms and shipping quadrants, just spitting such vile garbage you’re surprised he didn’t just uncaptchalog his sickle and put it straight through your chest. You know that’s what Bro would do, if he was given the chance. Tough luck shitheel, try not dying next time. But Karkat just went on some monologue comparing you to a bone bulge or whatever the hell, and then blocked you for a week, which. You can’t say wasn’t your goal in the first place.  
(You feel bad every time you hear him stomping past your wing in the meteor, but you can’t apologize, and risk having him forgive you).

You’ve ghosted Rose altogether, her and Kanaya aren’t _blocked_ per say, but you certainly don’t open any of their messages, much less respond to them. You figure they have each other, plus the whole rest of the meteor to talk to, if they really feel like it (minus the murder clown, you’re 99% sure Kanaya would chop him in half if he ever showed his dopy little face again, but then again, who’s to say his corpse wouldn’t make for an excellent conversationalist; it’s just one step removed from dream bubbles, and everyone seems to love _those_ well enough). 

As for everyone else, well. You don’t make so much an attempt to piss them off, as you do just let them go, wave at them with your little handkerchief as their ship sails off into the sunset, where you can only imagine it goes and hits and iceberg and sinks- frankly speaking you don’t know all that many alternative fates for big ships you wave little handkerchiefs at. Terezi is cool, you still appreciate her glorious, shitty comics from before (god, is that how you’re thinking of it now? Before? It’s only been a year Strider, get a grip), but she has Vriska, and any desire she might have to worry about you is offset by whatever deep, deep, _lack_ of desire Vriska has to do anything remotely nice for you. As for the clown... well. Sometimes you hear Gamzee’s little honks echoing down the hallways, but you’re not sure you want to piss him off. Might as well be a just death at this point with how you’re avoiding people, which, no thank you, but you’ll be sure to keep it in mind as a viable suicide option when you grow some balls.

God, if you didn’t push Rose away, she’d be having a field day with this. Isolation through the neglect of relationships, controlled and purposeful self destruction, suicidal ideation mixed with some good ‘ol fashioned dick referances, damn, add in gay joke or two and you may as well have hit Freudian bullshit Bingo. All the old ladies at the table scowl as you tramp off with your “I’m depressed and also gay as fuck” sticker, and the crowd goes wild. Worst part is that you don’t even like self destruction, you don’t do it because you have to. You are very aware of the shitty road you’re choosing, two roads diverging in yellow wood, and you choose the one lined with puppet dick, or whatnot. All those people back on Earth talking about how they self destructed cause they deserved it, or cause it grounded them, well check this one on for size: you self destruct because _you’re trying to prove to yourself you can_. Or something like that. If you’re being honest, it’s more complicated than that, but you were never great at honesty. But you sure as hell know that when you practice strifing until the sound of metal on metal drives you into a dry heaving ball on the floor, when you kick everyone in your life out so that you can lie in bed alone at 2 AM (no 3 AM no 4) and think about whether or not a suicide can ever be heroic, you sure the hell aren’t doing it because you want to. No, you’re contemplating whether lung cancer from the packs of cigarettes you keep alchemizing would count as just, because you’re trying to prove to yourself that no one will save you when you go off the deep end. You’re proving that you’re shitty and toxic and a dead end that has no chance at any future past being an illy timed corpse. You’re proving that every thought Bro told you about yourself was right.

(You think, in your clearest moments, that maybe you’re trying to prove yourself to him.)

(Well fuck him for dying, fuck him for hurting you, and fuck him for daring to let you miss him anyways.)

(You wish you didn’t miss him anyways.)

* * *

In your worst days, you think Bro loved you. That seems like a weird thing to feel as a “worst” but you’ll kick it with weird any time to fuel this self destructing spiral. Cause even though he kicked your ass when you couldn’t defend yourself, left you with all this unresolved shit that you’ll _never_ unpack, even though he made you the unwilling participant of gruesome scar city and hunger pangs and those _fucking_ horny puppet snuff films (god, you’ll never be able to unthink about how many time your face, your actions, your _trauma_ have been put on Bro’s stupid puppet porn site, how many creepy weirdos watched, how many _videos_ you were in), he was still your Bro, right? He bought you take out sometimes, and you would play Mad Snacks Yo 2, and people don’t _do_ that if they don’t love you right? People don’t prepare you for the end of the world if they don’t love you, right? But if Bro cared about you that means your reactions to this shit, to this abuse (and nope never think that one out loud again Dave, too big of a word too fast, broke your “I’m horrible and broken in every way” hymen, you minx), it’s all _your_ fault. It’s _your_ fault you can’t show up at strife practice anymore, because the sound of steel sends you into a panic attack, it’s _your_ fault you’re broken. The idea that all of this, everything shitty about you, is your own doing? That shit scares you more than anything else.

So yeah. You don’t think about that very often.

(But you still do.)

(Sometimes.)

(On your worst days.)

* * *

The next time you have to sneak out for food, Rose catches you. You sorta feel bad that your first reaction is that damn, you’re gonna have to switch rooms again, but she gives you a look that’s so sad, you kinda forget to feel bad anymore. “You know, we miss you at movie night,” she says “Karkat hardly knows who to shush for interrupting the dialogue.” “Yeah well, can’t give y’all too much of the Strider charm. Might steal your hearts away, and what would I do with that? Just six hearts sitting in a jar? No thanks.” you shoot back. Rose just sighs, “well, we all do appreciate your sacrifice, but stop by sometime, yes? Wouldn’t want to be derelict of your charms.” She waves a little goodbye and floats off, and you stare at her receding back, until she turns a corner, disappears from sight.

Later you break your Strilondean conversations down from the sincere-fake-sincere code you both use.  
“We’re worried about you”  
“I don’t know that I want to be helped”  
“We’ll help you regardless”  
Hm.  
Too sincere, and too painful. You’ll stick with the dick metaphors, thanks.

* * *

You debate changing your Pesterchum handle color. You tell the mayor this, as you draw another dead planet on the ceiling of Can Town. “It’s not that I don’t like red” you say. “I used to. It used to be my favorite color. Cherry red, made me think of Bro, with all the puppets and shit. But Bro’s dead, and now it just reminds me of blood”. You scribble furiously until you make the perfect spiral on your chalk Jupiter. This is all anyone will remember of your planets. It has to be perfect. “Plus, what am I supposed to tell everyone? That I had a sudden change of opinion on the color spectrum? That I wanna try out piss yellow instead of red? Naw, they’ll see right through that.” You stop drawing your Jupiter. The spiral you worked on looks like a sad blob. “Guess I could just straight up lie, but Striders don’t do that shit. Irony’s not irony if it isn't rooted in truth y’know? Not funny if there isn’t a second joke hidden in there for myself.” The mayor tilts his head up at you and chirrups. “Aw hell, I forgot. Your blood is black, isn’t it? You dunno what I’m talking about. Look-“ and you dig your nails into the scar on your hand, the one that you got when you caught Bro’s blade from swinging down on your neck. It was a deep cut, and you were never great at stitching up your own wounds, so it never healed right. Too quick to open any time you strifed with him. Funny how it’s got you reminiscing. The mayor chirrups more urgently, and drags you back down to the ground, trying to cover the blood flow with his little carapace hands. It’s kind of adorable. “You’re kind of adorable.” You say. “I’m alright, Mayor. Just wanted to show you what I meant is all.” He looks at you (suspiciously?), but returns to building the new residential sector, so whatever. You try very hard not to look up at where your cherry blood stains cut Earth and Mars in half, streaks of red like miles in the sky.

You spend the trip back to your room thinking about how the Mayor reacted today. You don’t know how to feel about that desperate, worried sound he made, nor how he gave you pat on the head when you left, but you choose not to think about it. You think you’ll take a nap instead.

* * *

Karkat’s unblocked you at some point, because he’s spent the last two days pestering you about whatever the troll version of Titanic is. You’re trying to give assholish, noncommittal responses, but honestly, you’re tired and lonely and you really _do_ want to know if there’s a troll Celine Dion who sings My Bloodpusher Will Go On. He seems less mad about you being an asshole than you expect; you can’t believe that even after insulting troll John Cusack (an offense which you hear got Vriska near ranted to death for), he still wants to talk to you, even if weeks later.

TG: hey bro

TG: not to interrupt your monologue or anything

TG: about troll titanic in which jack and rose are dating but also not

TG: like the world’s worst will they won’t they movie, where half the audience falls asleep watching and then slips into a coma at the hour mark

TG: permanently turning into sleeper agents who only wake to the sound of jack and rose making sweet passionate life boat sex before jack disappears into the loving arms of his true love, the ocean

TG: but i could’ve sworn you were mad at me

TG: hello?

TG: karkat?

TG: fuck did i do something wrong again

TG: i’m sorry karkat fuck

TG: damn it

TG: i knew you were mad

CG: I’M NOT MAD

CG: OR NOT ANYMORE

TG: but you were

CG: I WAS

TG: fuck man

TG: i’m sorry about that

CG: YEAH, WELL

CG: ROSE SAID YOU MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH SOME HUMAN THING

CG: I’LL ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY IF YOU’LL TELL ME WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON THROUGH YOUR THINKPAN

TG: aw isn’t this some quadrant shit or whatever

TG: confessing your deepest desires?

TG: look i appreciate it, and i do know the strider charms are hard to resist

TG: but i’m not gay, man

TG: attraction to girls left and right

TG: except the scary spider ones, i have nothing for that chick

CG: GOG DAMNIT DAVE

CG: STOP DEFLECTING

CG: I SWEAR EVERYONE ON THIS DUMB BONE BULGE SUCKING METEOR DOES THIS SHIT

CG: I’LL BE FINE WITHOUT YOUR SO CALLED “STRIDER CHARMS”

CG: IF YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU DECIDED TO USE MY FAVORITE MOVIE AS A LOAD GAPER, AND THEN IGNORED US ALL FOR THREE WEEKS

TG: shit, it can’t be that long, can it

CG: IT CAN, MR. KNIGHT OF TIME

CG: GOG, IF KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS, I WOULD HAVE NEVER UNBLOCKED YOU

TG: no wait karkat i’m sorry

TG: really

TG: look it’s just been rough lately

TG: but it’s not any of your fault

TG: you’re just some guy i dragged into it okay

TG: grinding on the rails with some dude behind me tripping on rocks and cans and shit

TG: bouncing off the pavement as i do a sick ollie

CG: STOP DEFLECTING

TG: sorry

TG: look i’ll talk to someone about this later

TG: but i really am sorry

TG: like i know that i’m a dick but i’m really trying my best not to be y’know

TG: dodging asshole bombs like a ninja except it’s my own bombs that i keep blowing up in my own face

TG: this is a shit apology dude i’m sorry

TG: but i swear i’m trying to be better

CG: FINE

TG: what?

CG: I SAID IT’S FINE

CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED OR WHATEVER

CG: BUT I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ROSE TOO

CG: SHE STARTED PESTERING ME ABOUT YOU

CG: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LALONDEAN CONVERSATIONS I HAD TO BEAR FOR YOU

CG: LET ME TELL YOU

CG: TOO MANY

CG: I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU PULL SOME HOOFBEASTMANURE ONCE

CG: GOG KNOWS I’VE PULLED PLENTY OF THAT IN MY TIME

TG: we’re the same age

CG: SHUT UP

CG: THE POINT IS, WE ALL HAVE ROUGH DAYS

CG: OR WEEKS I GUESS FOR YOU

CG: BUT IF YOU PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN I WILL GO TO YOUR HIVEBLOCK AND PULL YOU OUT BY YOUR DUMB RED CAPE

TG: dude i don’t even think you know where my room is

CG: YEAH, WELL TEREZI CAN SNIFF YOU OUT

CG: SHE’LL HELP ME

CG: SERIOUSLY DAVE, DON’T PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN

TG: yeah yeah whatever

TG: but seriously i’m sorry

TG: and i’ll apologize to rose

CG: GOOD

CG: AND FOR THE RECORD

CG: JOHN CUSACK KICKS NOOK

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: still don’t think you could find me


	2. Dave ===> Talk to your ectosister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You think that this Rose at some point, has grown up without you, and it makes you so sad you can’t even speak.
> 
> Dave goes to speak to Rose.

You don’t think you could manage a face to face conversation, cause if you say the words out loud, they become real. But maybe that’s why you need to say this face to face. The shit Bro’s done has to be real. Say it once and be done with it. (Somewhere in the back of your head, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Bro’s is disappointed in you.)

You find Rose reading at the dinner table.

“Do you ever miss your mom?” You blurt out. She looks up from her book, and dog ears a page. “Why do you ask, oh brother of mine?” “No reason” you shrug “Just curious.” She stares at you, and you break eye contact where she can’t see it from behind the shades. Thank god for cool kid irony. “Since I believe that this is a conversation that surpasses our usual semantics, I will be honest with you. I do miss my mother sometimes. She was good to me, and tried the best she could, given her knowledge of her own circumstances. It does not excuse her distance, but I imagine some of that distance may have been the musings of a prepubescent mind, unversed in the realms of parental care.” She closes her book, then looks back at you “but I must ask again Dave, what is the reason for your question? Do you miss your brother?” “Fuck no” you reply “Striders don’t ‘miss’ people Rose, he was like an idol to me, but I don’t miss him, how uncool would that be?” There’s a beat of silence. “Look, maybe I’m just realizing a little that some of the things he did were maybe not as great” you ramble “Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s still super cool, like beyond the Mariana Trench of cool, just doing a sick wheelie down into the center of the Earth, but maybe some things he did were... not great?” “How so?” she says. “Like, I know that he was like, training me to be this super cool badass knight with the strifing or whatever, but I wish he went easier with that shit, cause now I just panic every time I hear metal which is super uncool of me, I get that, but I guess I’m just not as cool as he was.” “Dave.” “And yeah maybe putting me on his puppet porn site was a little fucked up I mean, I was just a kid, Bro, I’m still just a kid, what kinda guy puts his lil bro on his porn site, like he didn’t touch me or anything but having those god damn cameras everywhere like, that can’t be good can it?” “Dave.” “And god don’t even get me started on the food, like I know you guys all laughed at me when I didn’t know to check the fridge for something to eat, but damn, how’s a guy supposed to know that there weren’t swords in there like, Bro if you raise a kid in a house where there are _swords in the fridge he’s not gonna know that you’re supposed to put food in there too, he’s just gonna hoard food away in his room like a damn magpie and-_ “ “Dave!” She cuts in. “Breathe.” 

You take a shaky breath you didn’t realize you needed. “Fuck Rose. I’m sorry” you say. Your hands are shaking. Your whole body is shaking. “Don’t be, Dave. You’re allowed to be upset” she says, patting your hand. “And what your brother did is upsetting. It upsets me, and I am simply hearing of it, second hand. But you do understand that none of it, none of the things he did to you, are your fault though, correct?” You stutter. “Yeah sometimes. Most of the time.” “We’ll analyze that ‘sometimes’ later, Dave.” she replies “But do you miss him?” “What?” You choke on your words. She looks calmly at you. “You asked me if I missed my guardian. Do you miss yours?” You slump down in your chair, and try to avoid eye contact “Can you miss someone you hate?” She hums. “I don’t know, Dave. I can’t tell you how to feel about your own guardian, but the brain can do funny things. Distort feelings.” “Like a shitty funhouse mirror” you mumble. “Exactly so. So I ask you again, did you miss your brother?” You pause. Contemplate. 

“How ‘bout this. You tell me whether or not he loved me, then I’ll tell you if I miss him. Cause he did some good shit too, y’know, he would keep the apartment stocked with apple juice and sometimes he bought takeout for me and we’d play games like. I know sometimes the apple juice was trapped but at least it means that he knew I liked it, right? And that’s gotta count for something. You don’t put up with people you don’t love for 13 years.” Rose sighs. “I don’t know Dave. I can’t tell you if he loved you or not, because I am not your brother. However, providing the bare minimum for you as a child, food, shelter, the occasional good memory, it does not excuse the abuse you have received at his hand, nor is it entirely symbolic of love. His treatment of you, as your guardian no less, is absolutely horrendous, and nothing will make that okay.” “Yeah, okay Rose. Okay.” You look at her. In moments like these, her eyes a deep violet, her hair matching yours, white and fine as snow, you realize that at some point, the girl you started playing SBURB with has grown, far beyond what you remember her to be. Rose used to be so sharp it almost hurt to love her, lashing out at the world for the hand she was dealt. You still love her now, not in the stupid preteen way you used to (that would be especially weird now), but in a way that makes you proud of her growth, proud to be her brother. You think she’s softer now, not by becoming weaker, but by choosing to allow people to love her, even when she doesn’t love herself. It’s so frighteningly mature of her, more mature than the facade she put on in earlier years. You think that this Rose at some point, has grown up without you, and it makes you so sad you can’t even speak. 

“I do miss him” you say finally. “I hate him. I hate him so much for what he did to me. But I miss him anyway, and that makes it hurt so much more, because _I don’t know if he would even miss me back!_ And like, I’ll never get to see him again, and ask him why the hell he hurt me, why the hell he would do all that shit to me, if not because _he didn’t love me back_. I spent so many _fucking_ years caring about him, protecting him from the law, all that _bullshit_ , just for him to _not love me back?_ That’s not fucking _fair_!” “Why were you so hesitant to tell us?” She asks gently, “why did you push us all away?” You huff. “Did I ever tell you what my quest was? On LOHAC?” She shakes her head, and you continue “I _supposed_ to stand on my own damn feet. And I couldn’t even do _that_ , Terezi had to guide me through all the time loops so I wouldn’t kill us all by eating it, and by it I mean _lava_ , or some dumb shit.” She smiles faintly “I do remember that. My dead dreamself was never too happy about it.” She grows serious “Dave, have you considered your quest was not about self reliance, but about your ability to rely on others when you needed it?” She drums her fingers on the table “Consider that Terezi was more suited to plotting out time loops than you, not due to any personal failing, but rather due to her own personal strengths. And likewise, you are not obligated to bear the brunt of the aftermath brother’s abuse alone. You can rely on others, should you need it.” You stare at her dumbfaced, and she gives you a small laugh. “Always a knight, brother dearest. It’s alright to need help sometimes. You do not need to bare everyone else’s burdens as well as your own. You do not need to be a martyr.” 

“ _That’s such **fucking bullshit!**_ ” you cry out “I want to be a mar-whatever the fuck because if I _am_ , then all that garbage _meant_ something, then Bro being a total asshat all the time _meant_ something! Yeah sure rely on others or whatever the hell, but if I can’t deal with my own shit then do I even deserve to feel better? Like, fuck sis, I could have gotten out of that shithole so many times if I wanted to, run away or whatever the hell, except I _didn’t_ cause I thought Bro needed me, and now you’re telling me that I don’t _need_ to be needed, well then _what the hell else am I here for?_ To serve as that lunatic’s personal punching bag? To put my whole life’s ass out here on display for you to pick apart? _What’s the point?_ ” You stand up. “I need to go.” “Wait, Dave,” she calls out. You pause at the doorway. “I don’t know what it was all for. If I’m to be frank with you, I think often, the trauma we experience doesn’t have a point. It’s not there to make us stronger or better, it’s just there. Life isn’t like SBURB, there aren’t character arcs for us to overcome, and sometimes the trauma is just that. Trauma. No deeper meaning behind it. But I will tell you this, Dave- we care about you. And when you hurt yourself trying to carry it alone, it hurts us. So reach out to us. Please. I’m not asking you to bare your soul, but just… tell us when you need help. Show up at movie night tomorrow. There are only seven of us left on this meteor, and we grow further and further apart by the day and... we all miss you. Even Vriska.” You stare at her. You’re not sure when Rose grew up. You're not sure when you were supposed to. “I... okay.” She smiles at you, and opens her book again, and you abscond to your room. You think you need to lie down.

* * *

The next day you show up to movie night, and Terezi cheers and punches you a little too hard on the arm. “Good to see you back, cool kid. You won’t want to miss this one, it’s a rainbow drinker movie that’s so bad, even Kanaya can’t stand it. Also, Karkat’s favorite movie for the week.” You hear Karkat shout something from the couch, and you give her a grin that almost doesn't feel fake. “Fuck yeah dude, I love shit movies. Can’t wait to talk over the good bits.” She laughs while dragging you to the couch and you think that maybe you could get used to this again. Maybe even deserve to enjoy it. 

Fuck Bro. Your name is Dave Strider, and none of his abuse was your fault. None of the ways you flinch or hoard food will ever be your fault. And even in the small chance that he did love you, it still wouldn’t be your fault anyway. And you miss what could have been, and that should make you sad, not afraid. Your name is Dave Strider, and surrounded by your friends, for a moment, you don’t think about Bro at all. 

And that’s more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on writing more Dave fics eventually, just because that man is perfect for self analysis through fiction. Any feedback/comments/kudos are greatly, GREATLY appreciated. Thank you, so, SO much for reading my first fic, well, ever. It means the world to me, and I don't have the words to completely express that, but. Thanks again.

**Author's Note:**

> So! This is my first fic ever, so any comments/kudos/anything really would be much appreciated! Come and tell me if you liked it, or if you think I butchered the whole thing, either way I'll probably put print it out and put it on my wall, or whatever you're supposed to do with critiques. Part 2 is written, but I had to split it up since it was too long. It'll be up shortly, at most give me a week before bugging me about it. Hope you're doing well folks, and thanks for reading.


End file.
